Not Meant to 'Mom'

I cried today. I cried big fat momma alligator tears. But I guess to really explain, I have to start from the beginning...

It's Sunday, so everyone sleeps in, of course. Abe woke up around his usual 'sleep in' time around 7-ish, and was in a good mood! He was sweet and lovely and very helpful while I picked up the house during his breakfast. Anyway, I'll skip most of the morning because it was fairly uneventful, but this afternoon is where things get squirrelly.

We had our good morning, and went to the store real quick and then to Subway for lunch, and then to Ace, blah blah blah, and came home for Abe to take a nap, except he didn't nap. As tired, and now grumpy, as he was, nothing worked. If he wasn't running around, he was laying/sitting down crying like a madman and I gave up around 2:40. Thinking optimistically, he's had no naps days before and been fine, he's just gonna have a day, whatever. Right?

When we came out, papa came home and decided it was pool time!

 

And we had a blast! We played and splashed and jumped and even swam a little!

          

When we were done swimming and playing in the yard and sprinklers we came back inside, and that's when it happened. My no nap-splishy splash little dude was exhausted and angry. He knew something was wrong but he didn't know what, and absolutely nothing would calm him down. I lost my temper for a split second because DUDE I know you're tired that's why I'm telling you to sit down just sit for 5 seconds and breathe but he wasn't having it. He got even more upset with me and ran to daddy, who sat with him for 5 seconds before he fell asleep. I felt like shit.

If I can't console him at his worst, how will he love me at his best? It took me back to my younger years when I vowed I wasn't meant to be a mother. I was the cool aunt. The one who wanted to run off to New York and be single and happy the rest of my life. I didn't even want to be married, how in the friggin' world was I ever going to be a mom? The whole idea terrified me. I would be a terrible mother - I have no idea what I'm doing. I would do it all wrong and then they'd turn out to be a jerk or a psychopath and it would be all my fault and then what would I do?!?!

I never thought I could do it. I told Trevor that countless times. But love makes you do things you never thought you could, right? 

So anyway, I'm sitting there feeling like total poop, watching my husband(who has always been a good daddy without even trying) effortlessly cradle our little boy and take adorable pictures while he sleeps,

 thinking only of how I let myself be such a terrible mom. It was a real pity party, just awful.

Eventually Abe woke back up and I was so terrified of what was going to happen. He was so cross with me when he last saw me before he passed out. I had lost my temper. I didn't need to yell. I didn't need to let angry mom out and ruin our wonderful pool party afternoon, but I did, and now I had to face the tiny human that I live and breathe for, to see if he still loved any ounce of me. And the strangest thing happened.

He opened his eyes, stretched/slid his way off his daddy's lap, looked me right in the eye, and curled up into my lap. He got as close as he could snuggle and just laid there patting my leg.

I melted.

I didn't understand why he still loved me but my sweet boy just loved and cuddled until he was ready to play, and then went on like nothing had happened. A few hours later at bedtime it was like he was telling me again that it was okay, he still loved me, when he got into bed and asked me to lay with him. The two of us, curled up in his tiny little boy bed nose to nose. He grabbed his blankie and made sure to cover me, then laid down and smiled while he wrapped his arm around my neck.

BOOM - waterworks.

Some people are meant to be mom's. They just have it in them - born to have babies and be the pta soccer mom that brings juice boxes and snacks and whatnot. Some people need to be molded. We planned for Abel, but it didn't make me any less terrified. I can tell you this, though, the second they placed him on my chest, I knew. I knew my whole life was going to be about him. I would figure it out along the way.

Mom-ing is not an easy job. And while there is plenty of 'advice' out there, the best nugget I ever received was 'read the books, listen to the advice, and then figure it out for yourself.' I don't know if I will ever get over the 'not meant to mom' thing, but how do you ever really know until it happens? I might not be meant for this but I do love my son with my entire heart and soul. I won't always be his friend, but I will always shape and mold him to be better than me. I do my best to give him a life he deserves. I love him unconditionally and I spend every day making memories with him. 

I might not be meant for it, but I'm a mom. I'm going to lose my shit here and there and we won't always have good days and I can promise you right now there will be more occasions where I am the bad guy, but that's it, isn't it? It's doing the fun stuff and reminding him of the things he has to do. Not always being a friend, but a parent that will teach responsibility and manners and all the things friends don't teach you. Mom's are supposed to be rough sometimes. It's what we do.

For any momma's out there right now thinking you can't possibly do this-you can. Hell, if I can do this, anyone can. Remember the unconditional love between mother and child, and cut yourself some slack. No matter what, you will always be 'MOMMA!' 💗

brand new manic fit momma 

2015